Can't Let Go
by hisachan1815
Summary: Illumi ran away from her lover. But after wards, she realized that running away made her life miserable so, she decided to come back to the place where it all started and correct the mistakes that she did. Was it too late? Fem Illumi... It is all about the Joker Pair and my entry for the "HxH FF Hetero Contest" Don't forget to R&R minna! arigatou!


**A/N:**

Hisa-chan here for another story! This will be my entry in the HxH FF Hetero Contest! This is all about the "Joker Pair". It is Genderbended and I will try to make the characters not so OOC. Only a One-shot. The plot bunnies were hopping on my mind endlessly so I need to write this.

I wish this will be chosen too! XD Oh! Thanks for the reviewers of my other fanfic. Aishiteru minna-san! *bows* thank you very much! Please support this one too because I really love reviews! That's all!

**DISCLAIMER:**

I own nothing but the plot. Hunter X Hunter was owned by the greatest mangaka. Mr. Yoshihiro Togashi.

* * *

Everything was unexpected and just happened all of a sudden. I don't know why it came to this point. I really don't have an idea.

As an assassin, I shouldn't feel any kind of emotions especially **Love**. My parents and grandfathers thought me everything about being an assassin. They always say that I should not show any kind of mercy to my preys and always make my every actions clean. At first, I am not that great but, time came and I learned everything they thought me. I awe my family for teaching me well.

I also spent my childhood alone. I didn't have any chance to make friends because my family told me that friends are only a burden. So, I didn't know how to deal with people except if it is all about my job. I spend my life with the usual routine that I knew.

Training

Dealing

Killing

Training

Dealing

Killing

That's all I did everyday. For a normal person, it will be a boring life but for me, it is… **Nothing…**

**Nothing **because I didn't knew how to feel.

One day, one of my brothers left the Zoldyck estate. Killua. He joined the hunter exam because he didn't want to be an assassin anymore. Killua was the heir of our family but, he chose to leave us and find happiness. No one can replace him as the heir of the family. Even me because I am a girl. Yes, I am only the daughter of the family. I'm more experienced than my brothers in the job, I can also say that I am more stronger than them but still, my parents only see me as a girl.

As I said earlier, Killua chose to leave and join the Hunter Exam so, my family told me follow him but I should disguise myself into another person. I should take the heir back to our residence again.

On my way to the Hunter Exam, I met many people. But of course I don't care about them and their affairs. There are so many things to see and appreciate in this little town but, it doesn't affect me…

Things that a normal person appreciated doesn't affect me but this one caught my attention.

He was also a participant in the exam. He is so happy-go-lucky and I also noticed that the other participants were afraid to go near him. I also felt that he has an aura like me, he also knew how to use Nen. I didn't imagine that he will be my companion for the whole exam because we are complete opposites. But, I didn't treat him as a friend at all, he was just a partner for me in this mission of mine. Our so called "Partnership" continued after the exam and everytime he needed my help, I will be there as soon as possible.

There are times that I found him annoying because sometimes, he would just leap in front of me and tell me that he loves me or sometimes he would just talk about nonsense things that I really don't care. But often times I felt comfortable with him. He is the only person that made me smile and the only person that can make me do childish and nonsense things that are not involving my job.

I can feel that when Hisoka became my companion, something changed in me. Something that until now I cannot still figure out.

* * *

**Normal POV**

It was a bright and beautiful morning. The assassin was sitting on a bench in the middle of the park alone. Her raven tresses were swaying as the wind blew. The usual emotionless face that she often wears was there. Illumi heaved a sigh then entwined her fingers. The empty park earlier started to have its usual crowd.

All of the people that arrived at the park look very happy. Children ran around and played with their friends. Their chuckles were heard all over the park and it was also starting to irritate the assassin. She hated children very much because he didn't have the chance to experience how to be a child. How to play, how to make friends and how to be loved by a family.

She was busy staring at the fountain that stood next to her. It made the whole place looked more elegant. The droplets of water that came from the fountain looks like fireflies when it was illuminated by the sunlight. She felt out of place in this kind of place because she doesn't know how to interact with people or just simply appreciate everything.

Something hit her back that made her snapped in her thoughts. When Illumi turned to see what it is, she saw a little girl that is picking a ball. "I'm sorry oni-chan…" The little girl apologized at her. Illumi just stared at the girl blankly as if she didn't heard that the girl apologized. The innocent green eyes of the child that stared to her made the assassin raise an eyebrow at her.

"What are you looking at?" she asked coldly while brushing few of her raven locks away from her face. The little girl smiled at her then sat on the vacant space beside her. She tried to hold the assassins face but Illumi immediately looked away. "Oni-chan, can I play with you?" The child asked innocently at Illumi who is now irritated.

She had the feeling of strangling the child but, she just can't find any correct reason for doing it. She felt some fingers of the little girl playing with her hair Illumi also heard the girl mumbling something. Her painful childhood flashed on her mind again so, she swatted the hand of the child making her gasp.

The little girl's eyes that were showing happiness earlier snapped in horror then she lowered her head to avoid Illumi's emotionless stare at her. "Leave me alone, I don't to want to waste my time playing with you." She said using her cold tone that made the little girl frown and leave her. When the girl left Illumi, she heaved a sigh then rolled her eyes. _I hate children especially little girls. They are so annoying._

"You're so mean…"

She heard a familiar voice on her back so she stood up and face the person. "Hisoka, at last you're here…" Hisoka smiled at her then sat on the vacant space of the bench so, Illumi decided to sit too. Few minutes passed that no one spoke, they are acting as if they didn't know each other. But they didn't know, people see them as couples.

Finally the assassin faced him then spoke, "Hisoka, if you don't have important things to say. Can I just leave because I don't have time to play with you." The jester felt mocked at what the assassin told him so he crossed his arms then gave Illumi a serious face. He said something that made the girl sigh and look away.

"I know you don't have time for everything…"

Illumi bit her lip then closed her eyes. The feeling that she still didn't know came to her body. The jester smirked at her again then and he placed his hand on the assassin's lap. It was immediately swatted by the girl. She didn't want the jester to hold any parts of her because she felt some chills on her body.

Hisoka licked his lips then chuckled _She's not easy to get, that's why I like her. _Illumi felt a shiver ran to her spine when he felt that the other was staring onto her. It's not because she doesn't like it but because she felt awkward with him. "Hisoka, stop staring at me like that. Just say what do you need."

"Okay, Illumi, I need you because I want to go to a party and people that should attend their must be couples."

Party huh? I'm not good at that." She said slowly while meeting the leer that the man gives her.

Hisoka was lying and Illumi knew it. The real reason is because he is planning something wonderful to the girl. Something that he wishes to be successful. If he fails this time, he cannot face the assassin anymore. Of course it was a surprise so, he didn't want Illumi to know what is his true motive.

The girl of course knew that it was all a lie so she just agreed to make the jester stop disturbing her. She thought Hisoka only found someone interesting to fight within the party not knowing that it is all about her. "Okay, when and where?" the jester became surprised because he easily made the assassin agree with him. He thought he needs to say his other lies just to make the girl believe him. He smiled then went nearer to her. Hisoka pulled Illumi then whispered on her ear.

"Eight in the evening tomorrow, I'll just pick you in your flat before eight so, please make yourself as gorgeous as you can." Then he pulled out then walked away.

Within that close contact that only lasted for a few seconds, Illumi felt nervous. As she said earlier she does not want to have a close contact with the jester. But she felt bad at what the man had told her, _make yourself as gorgeous as you can huh… so you didn't find me gorgeous… _She thought bitterly then whispered something to herself "Just wait and see…"

* * *

The evening came and as early as seven o'clock, Illumi fixed herself. She was wearing a black dress that has a tint of red that only reached the middle of her thighs and complimented her perfect figure. She put a light make up on her face because she didn't like to see herself like a hooker. Her hair was left like it was but now it looked more shiny and beautiful. Of course a dress needs to be paired with shoes. She wears black high heels that made her look taller.

Exactly seven thirty, Hisoka came. She opened the door and let the man go inside her flat. This time Hisoka looked formal, his hair was down and he was wearing a black suit. Illumi again noticed that there is something in Hisoka's eyes that again made her shiver. He was again leering at her. "Hisoka, can we go now?"

Hisoka felt that Illumi was startled with the way he looks at her. But, he has a point why he is looking like that Illumi. The girl an easily catch a man's attention because of her beautiful appearance. He didn't expect that the assassin will make herself like that for him. A chuckle escaped from his lips then he went near to Illumi.

The assassin immediately moved further from him then walked towards the door. "Hisoka, I told you that I do not waste my time in playing so, let's go." She said coldly making the jester nod then walk beside her.

After a few minutes of travelling, they stopped on an elegant looking restaurant that was full of people. Hisoka helped Illumi to go down of the car and they walked on the entrance of the restaurant.

Hisoka was not a guest on the party so he decided to use his nen to change another people's name into his. He chuckled evilly then walked to the man that is assisting the guest. The dark haired man asked for his name so he told it and the man easily saw it. "Who is she?" the man asked coldly while pointing at Illumi. "Oh! She *chuckles* she's my fiancée so, it means that she is also allowed to enter" He said to the dark haired man that is now embarrassed in front of the other guest. He assisted the two inside then left them.

Illumi didn't say a word when they entered the luxurious restaurant. She looked around and saw many people. She didn't like parties but, his so called partner needs her help that's why she gave in and another thing, she will not do it if she will not receive a profit. But, acting as Hisoka's fiancée was hard because, she was not a good actress and being sweet with other people is not the thing that she can take.

Hisoka noticed that Illumi was startled when he told the dark haired man that she is his fiancée. Her usual blank and expressionless eyes and face that Hisoka loved to see was not there. Her beautiful face was masked with anxiety. "Illumi?" he called making the girl immediately looked at him.

Hisoka told himself that it was so out of character for him if he would act vulnerable with Illumi so, he just cupped the other's chin and forced her to look at him. The assassin became shocked at the action so, she pushed Hisoka then glared at him. But despite of the fact that she is glaring him, her face was as red as a tomato. The man noticed it so he smirked at him. "You look so gorgeous tonight honey and you're really tempting me." The smile on the jester's face is cannot be erased as well as the glare in Illumi's eyes. The assassin walked away so, Hisoka followed her.

_Why am I blushing?! Why this time?! I think there is something wrong with me. Why is my heart beat so fast? I don't know! There is so many questions that I wanted to ask but, who will answer me. No one understands the feeling of an assassin. What! __**FEELING of an ASSASSIN? **__I don't have feelings… or maybe I have! That's why I'm like this when I'm with this pervert…I want to know what is this feeling so, I need to continue doing this, even though I know how much torture that I am doing to myself._

The two settled themselves on a table. A waiter immediately go to them and brought them wines without asking question of what do they want to order. Hisoka spoke up when he felt that Illumi will not talk to him until the end of the party. "So, Illumi, I remembered what you've done to the young girl yesterday. I think you hurt her feelings." The assassin took a sip of the wine then a faint smile formed on her lips. "I don't care…" She said calmly while putting the glass gently on the table. Hisoka smiled at her maliciously because she saw a tantalizing glimpse of mercy in her face.

The jester decided to make another topic that is connected at his goal for tonight. Maybe it will hard for the jester to say it, whatever he wants to say to the girl because she knew him as a pervert, carefree, maybe also being a liar. So because of that Hisoka became more excited to see what will be Illumi's reaction if he told him THAT.

"Have you ever loved someone except for me of course…?" the jester started. Illumi frowned at him then gave him her blank stare again. To be honest, Illumi don't know how to love that's why she cannot answer anything to Hisoka's question. She decided to change their topic by asking Hisoka another question. "How long will this party take? I will add it to your payment."

Hisoka chuckled at her statement then took a sip on his wine. He was about to speak when a little girl went beside them. It was the same little girl that Illumi met yesterday. The little girl went closer to Illumi then pointed her when she noticed her. The assassin became annoyed at the little girl that's why she gave her a creepy glare.

"Oni-chan! Don't look at me like that, I just want to play with you. Please!"

The little girl pleaded at Illumi using her cutest face making the girl's eyes soften. Hisoka called the little girl and smiled at her softly. His usual annoying smile is not on his face now. The little girl leaped at Hisoka then sat on his lap. "Hi! I'm Mayaki… what's your name?" the little girl said playfully at the jester. He was cut when Illumi spoke up then gave Mayaki a smile. "Mayaki he is Hisoka-san and I am Illumi-sama… nice meeting you!"

The two became surprised when the usually vain and cold-hearted assassin gave a person a smile like that. The little girl's eyes softened then he went to Illumi's side then embraced her making the girl gasp in surprise. _So, this is the feeling of being hugged huh… kinda boring…_ she heaved a sigh then looked at Hisoka. The jester was smiling at them sincerely.

When the little girl pulled out, Illumi heaved a sigh then patted her head. "Mayaki, can you please play with the other children first? I have an important thing to manage now. I'm sorry to tell that I cannot play with you." The assassin bowed to the little girl and became surprised when she felt a warm thing on her cheeks that only lasted for a few seconds. The little girl kissed her then ran away.

Hisoka giggled at the girl's dumbfounded expression but after that he received a sharp glare from Illumi. "Hisoka, I'm asking something to you earlier…what is your answer?" the man pouted at her then placed his hands at the table. He decided not to answer too because the assassin did that to him too. For the reason of not answering, Illumi stood up then walked away leaving Hisoka alone in front of the table.

He didn't hesitate to chase the girl who is walking towards the crowds and pulled her. The girl swatted his arm and just stared at him. "Hey! Illumi… I'm just joking. Don't worry after the party I'll pay you." Because of that, he and the girl went back to their seats

While sitting on their places, no one spoke so Illumi just decided to say something that involves the question of Hisoka that was left hanging in the air. "Hisoka, I wanna ask you something. What is the feeling of being loved?" the jester bit his lip then scratched the back of his neck. _Feeling of being loved huh? I have no idea about that…_ Hisoka thought to himself then just answer something that just popped on his mind. "Illumi, the feeling of being loved is what you had felt when that Mayaki hugged and kissed you. But, if you felt something with that simple thing…" he said sincerely.

Illumi frowned at what she had heard, yes he really felt a rare thing in her body when the girl did that to her but, it is different at what she always feel when she's with Hisoka. Maybe what she had felt was happiness so, she took it as that. _Happiness not Love Illumi… _she said to herself mentally while looking at the chandeliers that was hanging over them.

All of a sudden, Hisoka stood beside him then asked her to dance. She stood up immediately and held Hisoka's hand. At first, she felt awkward to hold the other's arm but later on, she said to herself that all of this was because of her work and she will not do it if she wouldn't receive any profit.

When they standing on the dance floor. Hisoka slowly and gently placed his hand on her slender waist. Of course Illumi wrapped her arms around Hisoka's neck but it was not like strangling him… As the groovy music changed into a romantic and slow music, the tension between the two increased. Their body was closer now than earlier and Illumi's heart was faster now.

_What is this? Why is my heart beating like this? I should not feel this kind of thing… _She asked herself. Hisoka pulled her closer then whispered something to her ear that made her eyes snap in widen. The words. It is very unusual for this guy to say so she just forced herself to ignore it.

"Illumi… I love you. I want to be with you like this or even more than this… forever"

Those words are too simple but Illumi cannot erase that in her mind. When he and Hisoka were together, he always says the words I love you to her but… this time, she felt that it pierced through her numb heart and made her feel something that is alien to her body.

_ I never felt this way before. Maybe, I… I'm head-over-heels inlove with Hisoka? It can't be! I am an assassin I should not feel love but, but… I don't know! I will admit it! Despite of trying to be a perfect assassin, I'm still a human that has a feeling… Alright, __**I love you Hisoka!**_

Hisoka felt something different with the girl. Her hands that were wrapped around his neck became tighter and he felt that Illumi was comfortable now because she rested her head on the crook of his neck. Because of that, he decided to pull out and looked at then looked at the girl's confused face. Her beautiful face was covered by her raven locks but he noticed another thing that is new for this kind of girl.

Her dead eyes shimmer with the lights that danced around them and it tempted him again. So, he pulled Illumi to their sit and asked her to sit. Still, the girl looked more beautiful with her lively eyes. The cold dark depths that became her eyes usual look don't suit her beautiful face, also her emotionless expression. But, that's why Hisoka loved her, she is not like the other girls because she is special.

Illumi tried to avoid looking at Hisoka because she cannot believe it all. But her body was betraying her that's why she finally gave Hisoka a disapproving face. The man smiled at her maliciously then asked her why is she giving him that kind of looks. Her shimmering eyes earlier were gone again.

Hisoka wanted to see her cute annoyed face that's why he teased her. He spoke up using his lustful tone. "Illumi, you're so beautiful tonight. The dress you wear is so beautiful, like you. But I think you will be more beautiful when I removed that to your body." Illumi's eyes widen in shock because of what Hisoka said to her. She also wanted to hit herself for being inloved with this pervert kind of guy.

She fixed her dress then sat properly. This is the thing that really irritates her, when the jester started talking about nonsense to her. "Stop talking to me like that because I'm not interested."

Hisoka smirked at her then stood up. He carried his chair and placed it beside Illumi who is fuming. When he finally seated, he placed his hands on Illumi's shoulder then moved closer to her. Illumi couldn't do anything but to stay in her position and not let the other caught her off guard. "Illumi… please, don't be like that… we should be happy right now…"

"Hisoka, if you want to fight someone in this annoying party, go on. I don't want to stay here longer…"

Hisoka suddenly pulled out then stared at him curiously. He didn't know that Illumi thought that he will fight someone in this party, she don't know that Hisoka will try his best to… to confess his love for her. Because of that Hisoka's eyebrows twitched then he tried to speak but he's worried that Illumi might not listen to him. But he fought with his doubts and told her the real reason with sincerity.

"I didn't hire you because I wanted your assistance but because I wanted to be with you alone. So, I used this kind of idea… I know that you knew me as a pervert and liar but, I cannot take this anymore… I love you Illumi and I wanted to be with you not as a client or a partner but as your boyfriend… I'm willing sacrifice all my money or anything just to make you mine. Just to make you go with me tonight…"

But with his surprises, Illumi slapped her face then when he turned to face him again, he saw tears on Illumi's face. It is the first time that he saw her crying. Illumi gave her a sharp glare and if looks can kill, he might be dead by now.

"Really! You are willing to sacrifice your money or anything just to have me?! I am not a prostitute! You cannot pay for my love especially for my body… I hate you Hisoka! I don't want to see you again…"

After saying that, Illumi disappeared like a gush of a wind. Hisoka rubbed the injured part then punched the table. He still didn't realize why Illumi left him like that. He didn't realize that because of saying that he is willing to sacrifice his **MONEY** or anything just to make Illumi his made the other felt that this jester is treating him like a prostitute. For Illumi, what had Hisoka said means that he is willing to pay her just to be his.

He felt remorseful, the girl didn't take his point. He loves Illumi more than anything. So, because of the guilt that he felt, he decided to go home and try to contact Illumi to apologize.

* * *

The girl threw her things on the floor then ran inside her bedroom. It is the first time that she saw herself crying. She let all of her hidden emotions flow this time because maybe after twenty four years of keeping it made her heart feeling like to burst.

She dug her nails to her palms because she thought that it will lessen the pain that she felt emotionally but, nothing happened. He loved Hisoka, yes love… That was the feeling that she always felt before and now, she figured it out. Because of this love thing, she cannot help but to suffer now because the person that she loves only sees her as a person that can be bought. She's not like that, she is only thinking her family's name that's why she wanted all her job will be paid.

_I am a disgrace of the Zoldycks… the person that they saw as a perfect assassin was really weak like a normal person…_

Her phone rang so, she picked it up then looked at name of the caller. When she saw that it is Hisoka, she threw her phone on the floor. Its parts were now scattered on the floor but Illumi didn't mind it because she told herself that she can buy hundreds of that. The moonlight entered her room then some of it reached her face.

Then she became surprised because as the wind blew inside her room making the curtains sway with it, something also flew in front of her. A card and something is also with it, a paper was tied on it so, Illumi got curious about it. She untied the paper then opened it revealing a letter and she recognized the writing as Hisoka's. The letter reads as this:

Dear Illumi,

I know you are not ready to listen to me. Even though how many times I'll tell you **I'm sorry**, you will not accept it. I don't know why you left me like that on the party or why had you slapped me. Maybe you left because you are already bored and maybe you slapped me because you are hurt at what I had said.

Illumi, you misunderstood it, I am not seeing you as the way you told me earlier. I am only telling the truth that I will give anything ahem… I will do anything just to win your heart. I know that in your so-called numb heart, there are some feelings that you only stopped because you wanted your whole family to see you as a great assassin. So please… please let me enter to your heart because I really loved you…

_**I love you Illumi Zoldyck more than anything and for me, you are the most special girl in the world.**_

Illumi, if you want to see me again, go to the same restaurant at the city tomorrow at 8 in the evening. I am ready wait you forever if it is needed.

Yours truly,

Hisoka

Illumi crumpled the paper then threw it on the trash can. "You're wrong, this numb heart will stay as it is and for your information, after that event I don't want to see you again. So just wait for nothing tomorrow." After saying that another tear slipped on her face because the more she stop her emotions, the more the hurt it caused to her. She lay on her bed then forced to herself to rest because she don't want her family to see her like that.

* * *

Yes, she will go back at the Zoldyck Estate tomorrow morning so, she cannot meet Hisoka at the evening. But, she really doesn't like to do that now that she knew that she's inlove with this guy. She will only do it to let herself rest for after this tiring day.

This is the first time that she felt like dying for a man because this is the first time that she loved a person.

As the sun rose into the sky and as it shares it brightness onto the city, the assassin fixed herself. She wore her usual clothes then brushed her raven tresses. After fixing herself, she arranged her things then went out of her flat.

When she was travelling along the streets of the city, she saw the restaurant but immediately averted her gaze from it. She is afraid to see the man there because it will cause pain in her chest again. She loved Hisoka but she wants to forget all of that because it is wrong. _I wish I followed my parents' advice to me. __**Never love because it will cause too much pain in your heart and it can also ruin your life. **__I wish that this love that I felt for Hisoka will be gone while I'm with my family._

* * *

The sun was setting when she arrived at the Zoldyck estate. Her family was surprised when she arrived. Silva Zoldyck, his father welcomed her but as usual. The girl just bowed her head at him then immediately went to her bedroom.

She immediately changed her clothes then went out to have her usual training…

After doing her training her father called her because he wanted to talk to her. She immediately fixed herself then went to her father's room.

The huge door was standing in front of her and also gave her shivers because she is afraid that her father noticed something to her. After knocking, the door slowly opened revealing her father that is standing in front of her.

"Is your job finished Illumi?"

"Yes father… it is done…"

After saying that, her father told her to go back to her room and sleep because she looks very tired. "Illumi, good. Just go to your room and sleep. Even though you are one of the best assassin's in the family, you still needs to rest…" She just nodded then walked towards the hallway. Her sight became dark when she saw the clock.

It is already eight o'clock in the evening. She decided to ignore it and continued walking along the dark hallways of their mansion. While walking she told herself these:

"I do not want to see you again Hisoka, after the hurt that you caused to me. My love for you will only stay as one of the memories that I should forget."

* * *

Hisoka was standing in front of the restaurant and waiting for Illumi to come. He knew that the girl would not come but still, he hopes that the girl would come. He was not wearing his usual jester attire and because it is cold, he was clad with jackets that gave him temporary warmth.

Midnight came and the girl was not still arriving so he decided to give up. It's his first time that he gave up on something. He cannot believe that the girl was so sensitive at things like these and maybe she was still angry at Hisoka.

_Even though you hate me Illumi Zoldyck, you will always stay in my heart. I will try my best just to see you again even when it needs to fight your family just to win you. I'll do it. I am always hoping that one day, you will come here and tell me that you love me too._

He sighed deeply and walked towards the crowd. Hisoka missed Illumi but he needs to keep on living so, he needs to move on too. But of course he will not forget the girl. Her beautiful face, tempting eyes and all of her features.

After one year, Hisoka was starting to give up on hoping for Illumi. The days had passed quickly but, the girl never came. He was starting to feel the hurt of being rejected. He loved the girl but she was now gone. He once tried to check her on the flat where she was living but became more disappointed because she was gone.

But despite of the disappointment that he felt, he had promised to himself that he will wait for the girl even it will take forever.

Waiting for something that you are not sure to come is hard but, moving on and trying to forget a thing that is unforgettable was hardest. So, he kept his promise with him even though he knows that it is impossible.

* * *

At the Zoldyck estate, Illumi was busy with her training but she suddenly felt a shiver ran to her spine. At the same time, her father told one of their butlers to call her for an unknown reason. The butler immediately searched for Illumi and saw her lying under a shady tree in their garden. The girl was looking at the flower's that is lying beside her too.

The butler didn't want to disturb the girl but she is needed on her father's room now. "Master Illumi your father was calling you…" with that single statement, Illumi stood up then gave the butler a blank stare.

After that event, Illumi remained as cold as she is. She ran towards their mansion then stopped when she was in front of his father's room. She didn't hesitate to open it and enter inside of it but when she was inside, she cannot see her father. She is just feeling a creepy aura surrounds the room.

"Father… I am here…"

The assassin felt a person arrived at the room. The strange aura slowly disappeared then when she turned her back to see who it was. She saw her father standing behind her and he looks angry.

"Illumi, please sit first because I wanted to talk to you about something."

The girl followed her father then sat on the couch. After doing that, his father started talking. Silva asked her if she has a problem but she just frowned and said no to his father. The older assassin raised an eyebrow at her then closed his eyes.

Because of the looks that he's father gives her, she became nervous because his father does not believes her statement. "Really Illumi…?" because of that, the pressure between them increased. Illumi decided to lower her head just to avoid her father's glare.

"Father, I have no particular reason to have a problem."

"Good, but I noticed something on you… something that is not usual for an assassin like you."

The assassin gave her father a surprised look. _What does father noticed on me, I think I am not acting weird or anything when I arrived. _Her father stood up then patted her head, so, Illumi closed her eyes then felt a guilt. A sly smile formed on Silva's lips then he knelt in front of his daughter. He saw that she closed her eyes and her face was revealing the anxiety that she is feeling right now.

"I noticed that you are revealing too many emotions now why? And don't try to lie because I can read your movements…"

Illumi bit her lip then opened her eyes. Now it doesn't look like an endless dark depth but a simple black orb that shines when a light reached it. She was about to speak when his father placed something on her lap. When she looked at it, she gasped in shock. It was the letter that Hisoka gave her. She took it before leaving that city that morning.

The reason why she was still keeping it is because she has still feeling for Hisoka. He's father stood up then told her that he saw it at the training ground yesterday and read it. At first the father cannot believe it so, he wanted to talk to her daughter about it.

"Who is Hisoka, Illumi?"

The raven haired assassin's eyes became watery and a tear slipped on her face. His father became sad at the look of his daughter. While sobbing, Illumi told her father that Hisoka was his lover but she denied that she loves him back. At her surprises, her father told her that the reason why she is crying is because she loves him. The assassin immediately looked at her father then smiled at him.

Silva realized something. Her daughter was still a normal girl who knows how to love and needs to be loved. She wanted her daughter to be happy like Killua so, despite of the hurt that they will feel because of losing another child and it is also their precious daughter. He will let Illumi go.

"Illumi, go and be happy. If do not want to be an assassin too. It's fine with me because you served for the family for a long time so, I'm willing to let you go… Arigatou gosaimasu! But if you need our help, you are still welcome here."

Illumi gave her father a hug then ran outside. She immediately packed her things then told her father that she will go now.

* * *

She arrived at the city on the evening and decided to go to a hotel first. When she was inside the room, she sat on the bed then read Hisoka's letter.

"Illumi, if you want to see me again, go to the same restaurant at the city tomorrow at 8 in the evening. I am ready wait you forever if it is needed. Really Hisoka, you will wait for me forever huh?"

She smiled then decided to go to Hisoka's house on the town. She wore a red dress then braid her raven tresses. She looked like an ordinary girl so, she needs to act as an ordinary one. Now that she is not an assassin, she is free to show her emotions.

While walking along the streets, a group of boys with tattoos on their body stopped her. At first, Illumi acted as if she was scared. But when one of the guys went near him and attempted to kiss her, she easily slit his neck then smirked at the other guys. Because of the stare that she gave them, the boys suddenly ran leaving their dead comrade. Illumi chuckled then continued walking.

She arrived at Hisoka's house and didn't hesitate to knock on his door. But no one opened for her so she took a look at the window and saw nothing. The house was empty and it looks like no one leaves here. She bit her lip then sighed. _Hisoka was not here…? _

"Miss, no one leaves there… the owner of that house left few months ago…"

An old lady went to her then told her that no one leaves there anymore. Her blissful face earlier was now gone and she wants to kill someone because of the pain that she is feeling again. Illumi just thanked the old lady then decided to wander around the city.

"Hisoka… you liar… I thought you will wait for me?" after whispering that, she punched a wall because of madness. _I believed you but you still lied on me…_

But when he reached the front of the restaurant, she saw someone that made her happy again. She ran towards him then called him but when the other looked at her she became embarrassed. It was not Hisoka and her mind was only playing her. "I'm so sorry sir…"

After that, the girl decided to settle herself on the bench beside the entrance. He noticed something into it. There are few slashes on its surface and some of it looks like something was stabbed on it. She caressed the slashes then felt something dropped on her hand, tears.

_Why do I need to shed tears for a man that lied on me? Or maybe he just gave up because he thought that I didn't love him back…_

Illumi felt that there is something that stabbed in her heart because she cannot breathe properly. She keeps on whispering Hisoka's name as if the man can hear her whispers. "Hisoka! I love you! *sob* please forgive me for leaving you! I'm really sorry…" she whimpered not minding if the crowds were staring at her.

She is still crying when she heard a familiar chuckle. It immediately annoyed the girl that's why she stood up then tried to find the owner of it. "Illumi…*chuckles*" she was shocked when someone called her and tapped her shoulders. She immediately turned around to see the person and her eyes widen in shock. Illumi cannot control herself and embraced the man.

It was the real Hisoka! He fulfilled his promise of waiting the girl. Hisoka was very delighted to see Illumi. He became hopeless and wanted to give up on loving her but… She came back. He pulled out then looked at the girl who is still crying.

"Illumi, it's nice to see you again. Wait! Did you just say that you loved me?"

Illumi covered her mouth then raised an eyebrow at him. She slowly turned his back at him so, Hisoka placed his hands on Illumi's waist then pulled her into a hug. "Don't deny it… I can see it in your actions…" the usual lusty tone that the jester always uses was now replaced by a sincere one. Hisoka really changed after she left her. So, she wanted to let the other see that she also changed.

The girl turned making Hisoka detached his hand on the girl's waist then Illumi just closed her eyes then wrapped her arms around Hisoka's neck. At first, the jester thought that Illumi will kill him but no. His thoughts were wrong because now Illumi was giving him a heartwarming smile. And another thing, he noticed that the girl showed too much emotion to him and she is also acting vulnerable.

Hisoka and Illumi's faces were too close to each other and they also feel each other's breath. The raven haired girl felt that Hisoka wrapped his arm around her too and also felt her heart beats rapidly again. She remembered something, something like this scene.

After confirming that her thoughts was correct, she rested her head on Hisoka's shoulder then whispered something to the man.

"Illumi… I love you. I want to be with you like this or even more than this… forever… Remember those lines Hisoka? When you told me that, my heart skipped because of happiness but, you know me before. I'm always hiding my true feelings to all the people. I-I want to tell it to you too. Hisoka… I love you. I want to be with you like this or even more than this… forever. Please let me enter your life now."

Hisoka chuckled again. These were the lines that he told to the girl on their first dance. He was very delighted to know that the girl was still keeping it to her mind. _Of course Illumi, why would I say no to you. I wanted to be with you since then because since I saw you on the Hunter Exam and since we became partners, I became head over heels inlove with you but I don't know how to say it because I thought you are really a heartless person. _Hisoka's lips formed a smile then she pulled the girl's fragile body closer to him.

"Yes Illumi, I want to be yours now but I also want you to be mine that's why I need to do this… I promised myself that when you came back, I will… I will… propose to you. I want you to be mine forever… so please…"

Hisoka took a small, black velvet box on his pocket then opened it revealing a bluish, shimmering diamond ring. He told himself when he felt hopeless and desperate that when he sees Illumi again he will marry her. The girl's eyes widen in shock when she saw a ring on Hisoka's hand then she felt like crying again. Her surprise increased when Hisoka spoke again.

"Illumi, please accept this ring as the sign of accepting my love for you. Will you marry me…?"

Illumi cannot believe her eyes. The man that he called as a liar was now kneeling in front of her and asking for her hand. She didn't want to let Hisoka go now that's why she said yes making the other stand up then hugged her. All the people that had been watching them were now feeling envy. When Illumi accepted the ring, they all clapped.

The two knows that they are catching the crowd's attention but they ignored it and continued doing their proposal. Hisoka stood up then placed the ring on Illumi's ring finger and after that the girl pulled the other into a passionate kiss. They let their emotions flow because there is no reason to stop it.

"Hisoka… aishiteru…"

* * *

After a month, the two decided to go to the Zoldyck estate to inform Illumi's family that they will be married on the second week of the month. All of the members of the Zoldyck became shocked when they heard that from the girl. But Silva, The head of the family became happy for her daughter because she finally found a reason to be happy.

After the wedding day, the two decided to live to another town because Illumi didn't want their future babies to live a life like the way she lived hers. The two became happy with each other. Finally, after a long suffer. They find a way to be with each other forever.

* * *

_**Illumi's POV**_

I and Hisoka were married for five years but the love that we gave to each other didn't fade but increased more. I am now living like a normal person despite of my bitter past. Hisoka was still… still like before. His annoying attitude was still remaining with him but, something had changed with his personality. He always fulfills his promises to me.

The Illumi Zoldyck that hates children before was now very fond of them. Thanks to that little girl… What's her name again? Oh! Mayaki! That little angel that made my feelings woke up. I really awe that child.

But most of all, I would like to thank Hisoka. I love him very much and I'm so thankful that he became my husband. In my sorrowful life, he is the only person that made me happy… the person that gave me courage and the one who taught me how to love. Now, I will promise to you that I will give everything for you and for our family. For our two little children that also gave us happiness in all these years.

Finally, I knew what is the feeling to love and how to be… _**LOVED**_.

* * *

**TBC**

Guys! Did you like it? If yes please leave a review and if no… kindly leave your flames too! These my second story here and the second story of Hunter X Hunter! *_* But, the first time of writing a story that focuses on Hisoka and Illumi and the first time I wrote a story that has a Genderbending.

I really liked the story so I hope you also enjoyed it too! Arigatou and aishiteru! *bows and blowing kisses* XD

_**~hisachan1815~**_


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